T h e T e x t u a l K i n d
Weekend Motoring Trip
Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light.
Look at the guy in the car next to you, roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down..... look at him and yell..... "Oh, did you fart too?"
B_ _ _ _ _ R _ _ _ _ _
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Weighty Fortune
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband
stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight. He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Woman's Geography
Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.
Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.
After 70, they become Siberia.
"Everyone knows where is it, but no one want to go there."
Taking a Shower (Men & Women)
How to Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and dark.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note: Must
do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come
off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to
get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the
water pressure.
13. Turn off the shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super-absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit; tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.
How to Shower Like a Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way make
the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs (not).
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off
down the drain.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding
area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
wife, pull off the towel, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
R.I.P.
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly,
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
"Schwartz is Dead!"
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery - Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into
a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Loving Hubby
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said.
I forgot her name about 10 years ago.
Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light.
Look at the guy in the car next to you, roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down..... look at him and yell..... "Oh, did you fart too?"
B_ _ _ _ _ R _ _ _ _ _
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.
"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Weighty Fortune
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband
stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight. He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Woman's Geography
Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.
Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.
After 70, they become Siberia.
"Everyone knows where is it, but no one want to go there."
Taking a Shower (Men & Women)
How to Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and dark.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note: Must
do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come
off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to
get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the
water pressure.
13. Turn off the shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap
hair in super-absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit; tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.
How to Shower Like a Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way make
the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs (not).
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off
down the drain.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding
area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
wife, pull off the towel, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
R.I.P.
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly,
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
"Schwartz is Dead!"
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery - Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into
a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Loving Hubby
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said.
I forgot her name about 10 years ago.
posted by Aarya Srinivas at 5:40 PM
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